If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
