I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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