do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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