My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
