Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
