the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
