I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
