Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
