i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
