Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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