Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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