Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
