I'm really into asian looking animals
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
