when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
