Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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