You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
