he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
