Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
