Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
