Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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