I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
