so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
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Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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