We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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