I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
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Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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