i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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