I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My vagina just recognized that song.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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