Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
