Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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