how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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