my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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