Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
