uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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