Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
