??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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