I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
