if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
no, he came in my armpit
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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