Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
