too bad you live with your parents still
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
