Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's blow job season.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
