OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I CAN MOONWALK!
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
