I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in