I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
