No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
