DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
