my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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