sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
