Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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