i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
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apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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