8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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