I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
