nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
