We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
