What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
