Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
