I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
