Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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